Friday, October 16, 2015

In Between Time

Dipping my toes into the blog waters again.

I’ve been back with my parents since June as my ordination process plods along. I love my parents, and I’m relishing this time to relax and heal from what happened to me at SFTS, but I feel guilty about not being gainfully employed. I should probably start looking for a job, but I hesitate because I don’t know how attractive I would be as an employee because I could leave for a ministry job at any time. Maybe I could get some seasonal work?

The reason I felt compelled to write this is because my mom just handed me a wad of cash so I could pay the premium on my life insurance policy. I guess I never updated my info with my life insurance policy, so they ended up calling my dad when I missed my payment. It was really embarrassing for me, in a way that I can’t really put my finger on. Maybe it’s because I’ve been out of the house for 6 years while at school and was used to taking care of things myself.

But now that I think about it, I did accumulate an incredible amount of student debt. I have to say, though, that for a good year an a half before I was “let go,” I was paying my rent (my ridiculous Marin rent), and my considerable student loans, and I was doing okay. It’s hard to admit that I need help now.

I guess the thing that I’m having the hardest time with is wondering what my parents are thinking all the time. Here I am, their oldest son, recently graduated from seminary, and I’ve just been sitting around the house for 5 months. I try to help out where I can. I’m a really good cook, so I cook four or five times a week for the family. I take out the trash and recycling every week, and I do any yard work that my parents ask me to, which admittedly isn’t much. I defrosted the freezer in the garage a few days ago, which was annoying and strangely exciting at the same time. I’d never defrosted a freezer before. I help keep things tidy, and perhaps most importantly, I’ve been nudging my ordination process along.

I know my parents love me. The last thing I want is for them to think that I’m taking advantage of them. I know that I’ll be able to make it up to them someday, but right now, I just feel kind of helpless.