Ghosts from the Past

I you're reading this blog, you are probably aware of what happened to me last Fall. Just to rehash, I left the PCUSA because the congregation that was sponsoring me decided that they could no longer back me because of our fundamentally different theological views on homosexuality. Even though the PCUSA is beginning to move away from that direction, I no longer felt comfortable participating in a denomination whose governmental structure allowed so many people to remain in a state of oppression for so long.

I sent an email letting Santa Barbara Presbytery and the congregation that was supporting me know that I was leaving the PCUSA. After a few emails back and forth with both parties, I came to a point where I simply could not allow them to hurt me anymore, and so I left the last email from each of them unread in my inbox for the last 7 months.

I finally read them today, and they were just as insulting and close-minded as I had expected them to be. There are two main problems here, and I don't know if there are any solutions for them. The first is that there are still a great many people in this world that believe homosexuality is a choice. I don't understand why this belief has persisted for so long, perhaps because being gay just opens so many doors for people and ensures your instant celebrity status, but it just isn't true. Given the way so much of the world views homosexuals, what possible advantage could a person possibly gain by choosing to be gay? Is it rebelliousness for rebellion's sake? A repressed belief that my life deserves to suck, or that I'm subconsciously hoping that somebody gay-bashes me or kills me? Please, somebody explain this belief to me so that I can become one of the enlightened.

The other problem, and this one is probably the more difficult one, is the very legalistic take on Christianity that quite a few people in the Christian community have. Without getting into a huge theological debate on this, the part that specifically applies to this situation is that these people don't care whether homosexuality is a choice or not. If it is a choice, it is obviously wrong. If it is not a choice, then is is something akin to a birth defect or mental disorder that needs to be corrected, lest a person fall to homosexual sin and be condemned to the fiery pits of Hell. I think an excerpt from one of the emails that I got could best explain this:

"It is devastating to confront the possibility that the great desire of our heart may in fact be simply a false and misshapened idol. You feel now that this church has not shown grace to you. But what kind grace would let you go unwarned into danger to your soul? You may disagree with the perceived danger. So be it. You may find another avenue for Christian service. God will use you as He pleases. But please do not proceed without understanding that true grace often comes in the form of opposition, and that it is a dangerous thing to follow only the counsels of our own heart.

The heart is deceitful above all things, and it is exceedingly corrupt: who can know it? (Jer 17:9)"

My understanding of Christianity is not legalistic. I think Jesus came to us to teach us how to love each other, not how to judge each other. Oh, well. To each their own.

So, there it is. I am going to do my best and try to put this business behind me because I just don't have the energy for it anymore. I'll be joining the United Church of Christ (UCC) next month where I will hopefully not run into any people who try to make me feel less that human, that my sin is somehow greater than theirs. This isn't to say that the UCC is perfect, only that I will hopefully have to deal with this particular brand of evil a whole lot less. To all who remain in the PCUSA, I wish you the best of luck, and I sincerely mean that. This was simply not my fight, and I hope you can all understand.

Blog Fog

Okay, I keep messing up with this thing. I guess the one day a week thing isn't working. Earlier this week, I wanted to blog, but I told myself I needed to wait for Saturday. Now, it's Saturday but I was too busy today to blog. I guess I need to get rid of the idea that this is going to follow any kind of regular format now that I no longer blog every day. I guess I'll just blog as I feel led to, but it will probably still be at least once a week, just not on a specific day. I also realized that I've been forgetting to import my blogs to facebook. Oops.

Here's an update for those that don't know. The session of my church, after meeting with the representative from the Committee on the Preparation for Ministry in my presbytery of Santa Barbara (I just accidentally wrote Satan instead of Santa. Freudian slip?), has decided that they can no longer sponsor me during the ordination process. Please note that I am not saying that the CPM representative instructed the session to do this, I am only indicating the timeline of events. The session feels that because I am an unrepentant homosexual and that I do no believe it is wrong to be a homosexual, that our theologies are diametrically opposed and that they could not in good faith support by bid to become a Presbyterian minister. In order to go though the ordination process, you need to be sponsored by the church you are a member of. So, although they are not technically kicking me out of the church, I am forced to leave if I wish to pursue ordination. I'm pretty sure that if the PCUSA denomination at large were to decide that being gay was okay in the eyes of God, then the congregation might leave. This is the group that was holding the confessions of the denomination over my head as one of the reasons that I should not be gay. I don't want to get into the logic of it all, but it seems very hypocritical to me.

I'll write more about this when I can get all of my thoughts in order. At the moment, I'm waiting for a response from my presbytery about whether or not I should waste my time trying to get ordained in the Santa Barbara Presbytery. I sent the email days ago but have yet to get a response. Life has just gotten very interesting, and I am currently trying to recover emotionally from what happened. Please keep me, Word of Life Presbyterian Church of Oxnard, Santa Barbara Presbytery and the PCUSA in your prayers. We need it.

Gay Guy in Seminary: Day 15 (Ready for Battle)

Today was the first day of orientation, which is going to last all week. There's a lot of stuff to know! The ordination process takes an average of 3 years, which should happen concurrently while taking classes and tests for the Masters program. I need to get psych evals, write essays and be interviewed to make sure my theology is up to snuff. I'm currently working on the first phase, which is to become an inquirer, but I keep putting off finishing the essays. I wish I wasn't such a procrastinator.

Lunch came with some eye-opening conversation. Apparently, Santa Barbara Presbytery, the presbytery that I belong to, is super ultra-conservative. Presbyteries are the churches equivalent of states, like Santa Barbara Presbytery = Texas. I guess I was pretty naive this whole time because when I think of Ventura and Santa Barbara Counties, I think of artsy hippie wine drinkers. A couple of my friends were telling me that I might want to try to get ordained in a more liberal presbytery, like San Francisco, but Ventura is where my heart is, and if Santa Barbara Presbytery really is as conservative as they say it is, then I think it's more important for me to try to make things better over there. I know God has put me where I am in order to change things, to make them better. For the past few decades, the church has been hurting itself and the community around it. I was born and raised in the Presbyterian Church; I love this church with every fiber of my being and am proud to call myself a Presbyterian. I realize the fight ahead of me will be hard, but I have a loving family and a wonderful congregation that I'm hoping will stand by my side during this process. I'm not sure why God decided I was the right person to do this, but he did, and if God is for me, who can be against me?

On a lighter note, a bunch of us first-years went to dinner tonight. There was talk of forming a quidditch team... no joke. We had a really great time getting to know each other, and afterwards, one of the girls gave us a tour of Trinity House, the intentional christian living community house. Seven of us ended up on the roof looking up at the stars and listening to the wind blowing through the trees. For a while, I felt like I was on a warped version of MTV's "The Real World." We took seven strangers, put them in seminary...

The minute I stepped out of my car the very first time visiting this school, I knew this is where I was meant to be. I know it won't last forever, but leaving this place is going to be one of the hardest things I will ever have to do.