How San Francisco Theological Seminary Betrayed Me

I loved being a student at San Francisco Theological Seminary (SFTS). It was an open and accepting environment, I was able to deepen my understanding of God and my faith, and I made lot of incredible friends. As part of my Masters in Divinity degree, I got a concentration in Christian Spirituality, which included creating a thirty-four foot long mosaic mural in one of the common areas on campus. I called it “Faith, Hope, and Love” and it depicts my understanding of the work that God did to save humanity. The seminary is now using the mural as the basis of a $6 million fundraising campaign, and as the creator of the mural, I was proud that the images from it were going out into the world for what I perceived to be a good cause.

The four years I spent studying at SFTS were some of the greatest years of my life. I will always remember the profound learning that happened as a student and the fun times that I had, but now, my memories are tainted with the understanding of how the seminary actually sees me. Now that I am no longer a student, I am disposable. I am no longer a person to them.

Shortly after graduating, the seminary asked if I would work in the communications department. I agreed because I loved the school and it would be a steady source of income that would allow me to stay in the area while I completed my ordination process. I was told that I would have a job for two years, as part of a pilot program that would help recent graduates by providing gainful employment in a job that one might possibly be ordained into.

A year and half later, I was fired for no reason, without any warning.

The school continues to use my mosaic for it’s fundraising campaign, and there is even a video of me talking about the mosaic on the giving page of the website.

I was utterly betrayed by this institution. The school appropriated my work for its own use, and then fired me with no regard to my relationship with the school.

Before all of this happened, I was one of the school’s biggest cheerleaders. I loved SFTS, and I did everything in my power to help it succeed. I worked hard and focused all of my creative energies on ways to help the school. But, my work was not appreciated. Recently, I met someone who was thinking about going to seminary. My gut instinct was to recommend SFTS, but I didn’t, because I didn’t want to be the person who recommended SFTS if he decided to go there and then ended up having a bad experience. I no longer trust the institution. I think a lot of the people there have forgotten what it means to be Christian.

One of the most important parts of being a Christian is being in relationship with other people. Jesus told us to do unto others as we would have them do unto us. We are supposed to care for and love each other. If the people at SFTS are incapable of doing this, how can we expect them to teach it?

I know that there are good people working there, on the staff and on the faculty, but they are not able to stand up to the institution, and it pains me that in writing this, I may be hurting them. But, I am powerless against this institution, and this is the only thing that I can do to make sure that my voice is heard. I have no faith that this institution is capable of doing the right thing. This may not always be true, and I hope that this changes. But, it’s true now.

Hope Is Not a Plan

12 minute sermon for preaching class:

The disciples were afraid. Their leader, their teacher, the man who had taken care of them and loved them and showed them the way of God, was dead. Jesus was dead. And, for all they knew, they were going to be next. And, so they barricaded themselves into a room and locked the door.

Can you imagine what it must have been like in there? That paranoid feeling, jumping at sounds? How were they supposed to move forward from this? I imagine they spoke in hushed voices about the different possibilities that lay before them, fear piling upon fear, their worries feeding upon each other until eventually one of them was gonna snap. It wasn't good.

Michelle Walker always used to say, "Hope is not a plan!" I think most of you knew her.

Well, as far as we know, the disciples didn't even have hope. We don't know if they really had a plan beyond locking themselves up in that room. They were afraid, and their situation was looking a little grim.

But suddenly, suddenly, Jesus was there! And, they were so happy to see him! He showed them is hands, and he showed them his side, and he said, "Peace be with you." "Peace be with you."

I was doing a Lectio Divina with my youth group last week on this text, and that was the phrase that stood out for me. "Peace be with you." I kept seeing this image in my mind of Jesus looking at the disciples, with his hands held out in this kind of claming manner as he said it. "Peace be with you." "Peace be with you." My understanding of this image was that I was worrying too much. I needed to put my faith in God, and allow God to do what God was going to do. And when I realized that, this feeling of peace just welled up inside of me. I was able to let go.

And, I really needed that peace. Jesus, holding his hands out like that, that was the exact image that I needed to see. Because, as graduation draws near and I keep thinking about all of the things that I need to do, it just freaks me out! I think about it, and I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to do it all, and I get stressed, and my blood pressure goes up, and in all seriousness, I really think that all of this worrying might, at least in a small part, be why I ended up in the emergency room three weeks ago. My blood pressure had gotten so high that I had to be hospitalized, pumped full of drugs to bring my blood pressure down to a safe level. They ran all kinds of tests, it was nuts. I don't want to go through again.

Which is why I need what this text is telling me so badly. That Jesus is with us in the midst of our trouble, and our worries, and our anxieties. Jesus is with us, his arms open and welcoming, and he is saying, "Peace be with you." Right now, I need that peace almost as much as I need air.

Most of you know that I am currently trying to finish a 34-foot tile mosaic mural in Holy Grounds before I graduate, as part of my Spirituality Concentration. It's mostly done; I'd say maybe a good 70-80%. But, that leaves, at the very least, 20% of the mural to go, which I calculated out to be about 200 hours worth of work. Now, I have a history of over-extending myself and of procrastination, but this situation that I've gotten myself into might actually be the winner. So, of course, I've been worrying about this, and add to that the classes I have to take and church things and ordination, and it's no wonder I have to worry about my blood pressure.

But, an interesting thing happened last week. I mentioned earlier about the Lectio and this image of Jesus, standing there holding his hands out, but the next day, the day after the Lectio, I was sitting in Holy Grounds, not working on the mural 'cuz I was still getting over this cold and I just didn't feel very well, when this horde of people just descended upon me, insisting that we have a mural work party. None of these people had ever helped me with the mural before, and I had no idea that they were coming. We blasted some music, broke some plates, and stayed up late into the night, some of us not leaving until past three in the morning, and all together, we must have put in at least 20 work hours into that thing. It was amazing! It was beautiful, and it reminded me of why I love being here so much. The kicker though, what made me really realize that this was not just some coincidence, but really a God moment, was the fact that one of the people who came to help was a prospective student. I had only met her earlier that day, shaking her hand after chapel, and I honestly thought that I was never going to see her, ever again. But, there she was, pretty much a complete stranger, smashing plates with a hammer and gluing the pieces onto the wall. I didn't have a plan for how I was gonna finish the mural, other than last minute, extreme crazy panic, and at this point, I don't even know if that was gonna work. But, God had a plan. God always has a plan.

I think I needed this little reminder about the ways in which God can work in our lives. I had gotten so caught up in thinking that I had to do it all by myself, that I had to figure this out, make a plan, execute it. Little did I know that God was gathering a group of people together to help me, and maybe I should have been asking for help all along. Being part of the church means being part of a community, part of a family. And, we need to be open to the ways in which God is working through us and through community to bring wholeness and healing into our lives.

This isn't to say that we shouldn't make plans. Michelle was right. Hope is not a plan. We can't just walk through life, aimless and wandering. God wants us to do things, to help people. Plans give our lives structure, so that we can actually get things done. But, sometimes we find ourselves in a situation where a plan just isn't going to cut it. And, we have to have faith that God is going to help us. Because the choice is either to keep trying, to work through it, trusting that God will see us through, or to fall into despair and hopelessness, where we can't really help anybody. Where we can't even help ourselves.

But, I also want to add that planning does not mean a rigid adherence to a set path. No matter how carefully we plan, no matter how many contingencies we have, life will find a way to mess things up. Life is complicated, and we have to allow for course correction. And, we need to have the humility to understand that our plans won't always be God's plans, and that to stand in the way of God's plan is the way of folly and futility.

As for the disciples, we know a bit about happened to them. Their lives weren't easy. They were ridiculed for their belief, persecuted and killed. But, they lived their lives doing God's work. And they were filled with joy and love, knowing that their purpose was God's purpose. And, while I'm not going to say that I'm an advocate for martyrdom, I will say that I am an advocate for living into God's will. Hope is not a plan. But, hope should be a part of every plan that you make. And, my hope is, that in whatever plans you make for the future, you will take a moment to look and listen for God. Because, while hope may not be a plan, God's will certainly is, and we can have hope in that. So, make your plans, and try not to worry. And, peace be with you.

The Flood

The Flood section of the mural is finally complete! Just two more sections to go!!! XD

Work on the Mural Continues

I was trying to get as much of the mural done as possible before summer ends, but I did not nearly get as much done as I was hoping. I calculated that I need to work on it an average of 12 hours a week until I graduate in order to finish, so understandably, I've started to get a little nervous about it. But, I think I should be able to do it. Here are some progress pictures on how the work has been going:


                                          The  Nativity

Exodus

Creation and the Flood

Night & Day

Fish of the Sea

Jenna decided to help me by tiling the dove

Jenna breaking some tile for the dove

The finished dove!

Separating the Waters

Waves almost done!

Starting the rainbow

Rainbow and waves without grout

Grouted!

I'll keep you all updated as I go!

Second Half

My plan this summer was to get as much of the mural done as possible before school starts back up again. Well, I've done some significant work, but not nearly as much as I should have. I can't believe how busy this summer has been, and I don't even have classes right now!

Anyway, I've sketched everything out for the mural, so that's at least done, and I actually got some tiling done this week.


Creation and The Flood

Moses parting the Red Sea

The Nativity scene

Here is the  "Night & Day"section without grout.

Here is is grouted and cleaned up, as well as the fish.

I'm going to try to tackle the sky next week, but that's a pretty big section, so we'll see how it goes. I've calculated that I will have to work on the mural an average of 12 hours a week until I graduate, which is A LOT of hours! Thinking about it is making me kind of nervous. I really hope I'll be able to finish it in time. Pray for me!

First Section Done!

I haven't been updating on the mosaic because it hasn't really been all that exciting. But, a few weeks ago, I finally finished the first section, the baptism of Christ.

Basically, all I've been doing is grouting. This was not nearly as fun a it was putting up the tiles, but it was a necessary part of the process.

A section without grout.

A section with grout.

Here is a section were part of it is grouted and part of it is not. The grout essentially holds the whole thing together, not only physically, but artistically as well. It creates a uniform matrix for the tiles to sit in so that you're not looking at the ugly orange wall, black Sharpe sketches and white tile glue peeking out from between the tiles. It also makes it safer as the sharp edges aren't nearly as dangerous once the grout is in place.

After grouting, you have to clean it up as best you can, and then let it dry for at least four hours before you can clean it up for real

Not cleaned yet

Clean!

Here's the whole section before I started grouting...

And here it is after! The lighting is better in the "before" picture, so I guess these two pictures don't really illustrate how grouting makes it look better, LOL.

TA DA!

Here's what I've done so far on the next section, which will be the sermon on the mount and the last supper.

The campus PR person is putting something together to let more people know about this project, as well as the Spirituality Program in general, here at SFTS. Keep your eyes open for it!

The Baptism of Christ

The mosaic is progressing a lot faster than I thought it was going to. Here are some pictures of the work so far.

Now, I have to admit that I have not been as diligent with my homework as I should have been, and this has largely contributed to the speed at which the mosaic has gone up. But, working on the mosaic has been cathartic, and I need really need some kind of creative expression that I can lose myself in right now. Life has been... unexpectedly difficult of late. I've found it really hard to focus on classwork lately, and I've even had to drop one class because of this. I'll be able to focus more on myself this semester, which is important for me to do at this point in my life. I don't know yet where my life is going, but that's okay.

I talked to a counselor for the first time in my life. I don't have anything against counseling, but I've never felt that I've needed it. It was good though, because I realized I was trying to rush through this period of mourning and reflection. So, I will not try to cram my schedule full of things that help me to avoid periods of quiet thought. Instead, the work on the mosaic will continue.

The tile glue has to cure for a day or so, and then I can grout it! I'll put up a before and after picture once the grout is on!